Letting God into my marriage has been one of the most powerful and humbling experiences I have ever had. While I have been with my husband for 6 years and 5 months now, I can honestly say I didn't expect this. I didn't allow myself to think about what it could feel like to be this vulnerable-in a more intimate way than ever before (including what it takes to make a baby :) We share many things in our marriage... our name, our time, the love for our children. We don't always get along, but we always know the intentions and desires of our hearts.
I have known all along that Stewart was a great pick for me, but it is a truly wonderful experience to kneel next to him and pray together. I have never felt this close to anyone before. I haven't even let MYSELF break down the walls I have been building over all these years. I will admit, it feels a little awkward to say a prayer for the first time together-similar to the feeling I had the first time I had to say a prayer out loud in Seminary :) But the sincere feeling of JOY has overcome me and I can't begin to describe how it has touched my heart.
As Stewart's second wife, I have often struggled with the realization that I wasn't first. I wasn't the first one he gave his last name, I wasn't his first love, and I didn't give him his first child/ren... And while that is often a hard thing to get my head around, THIS experience was a first for us both... A truly spiritual, tender moment was shared between the two of us that is too personal and powerful to share with anyone else. What I can share is my renewed testimony that the Atonement is always at work... even when we aren't aware of it.. I have made choices in my life that I am not proud of, but all of them have helped me reach the place I am tonight.... with 3 beautiful babies, 2 step-children I couldn't live without, and a husband who has surprised me again and again.. He is such a selfless, honest, giving person.. He keeps his anger and frustration in check, and works hard to be present in each of his childrens' lives. He puts up with my annoying habits, and isn't too proud to help me catch up on housework when I need a hand.. We have had this quote since we started dating, "No Matter What Happens, We Are In This Together..." and I am grateful that I can now HOPE to be sealed to him for eternity, because the rest of our lives just doesn't seem to be long enough :)
I am so grateful for the unchanging gospel and its teachings. I am grateful for the people in my life who haven't given up on me. I have undoubting faith in the church, but for whatever reason I have been too lazy-or too scared of doing it alone-to follow all of its teachings. I want to be an example to my children. I want them to know my testimony, and I want them to know how to find their own. I want them to grow up KNOWING how much Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love them... and that even in their darkest hour, they will never be alone. I don't want them to have to learn the hard way that NOT continuing to follow the teachings of the gospel will only prevent them from receiving additional blessings. I want them to be ready and willing to help others, to follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost so they can be anchors for others when they are needed. I will never know all of the opportunities I have missed out on because of my distance... but I hope that is in the past.. and I look forward to receiving the blessings my family has been waiting for :) And I am truly grateful for the things I was given up to this point.. Like my friend often says on Facebook, "God is Good!!"
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