Pure JOY...

Letting God into my marriage has been one of the most powerful and humbling experiences I have ever had. While I have been with my husband for 6 years and 5 months now, I can honestly say I didn't expect this. I didn't allow myself to think about what it could feel like to be this vulnerable-in a more intimate way than ever before (including what it takes to make a baby :) We share many things in our marriage... our name, our time, the love for our children. We don't always get along, but we always know the intentions and desires of our hearts.

I have known all along that Stewart was a great pick for me, but it is a truly wonderful experience to kneel next to him and pray together. I have never felt this close to anyone before. I haven't even let MYSELF break down the walls I have been building over all these years. I will admit, it feels a little awkward to say a prayer for the first time together-similar to the feeling I had the first time I had to say a prayer out loud in Seminary :) But the sincere feeling of JOY has overcome me and I can't begin to describe how it has touched my heart.

As Stewart's second wife, I have often struggled with the realization that I wasn't first. I wasn't the first one he gave his last name, I wasn't his first love, and I didn't give him his first child/ren... And while that is often a hard thing to get my head around, THIS experience was a first for us both... A truly spiritual, tender moment was shared between the two of us that is too personal and powerful to share with anyone else. What I can share is my renewed testimony that the Atonement is always at work... even when we aren't aware of it.. I have made choices in my life that I am not proud of, but all of them have helped me reach the place I am tonight.... with 3 beautiful babies, 2 step-children I couldn't live without, and a husband who has surprised me again and again.. He is such a selfless, honest, giving person.. He keeps his anger and frustration in check, and works hard to be present in each of his childrens' lives. He puts up with my annoying habits, and isn't too proud to help me catch up on housework when I need a hand.. We have had this quote since we started dating, "No Matter What Happens, We Are In This Together..." and I am grateful that I can now HOPE to be sealed to him for eternity, because the rest of our lives just doesn't seem to be long enough :)

I am so grateful for the unchanging gospel and its teachings. I am grateful for the people in my life who haven't given up on me. I have undoubting faith in the church, but for whatever reason I have been too lazy-or too scared of doing it alone-to follow all of its teachings. I want to be an example to my children. I want them to know my testimony, and I want them to know how to find their own. I want them to grow up KNOWING how much Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love them... and that even in their darkest hour, they will never be alone. I don't want them to have to learn the hard way that NOT continuing to follow the teachings of the gospel will only prevent them from receiving additional blessings. I want them to be ready and willing to help others, to follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost so they can be anchors for others when they are needed. I will never know all of the opportunities I have missed out on because of my distance... but I hope that is in the past.. and I look forward to receiving the blessings my family has been waiting for :)  And I am truly grateful for the things I was given up to this point.. Like my friend often says on Facebook, "God is Good!!"

He Bought A Suit!!

I am feeling compelled to write a blog post tonight, even though no one will probably be reading it :) This has been such a powerful weekend for my little family!!! After being with my husband for almost 5 1/2 years, I thought I knew pretty much everything about him. I know his taste of food, clothing, and music... I know how he feels about politics, finances, and religion... I have had enough arguments over religion that I had pretty much given up on persuading him to change his opinions... we just didn't ever bring it up... but on Saturday, we randomly turned General Conference on, in just enough time to hear the last speaker, plus half of the one before that.. I rubbed my husband's head, while he appeared to be sleeping... afterwards, we started talking about feelings we have had for a long time, but never shared.. both of us felt that we had wasted SO MUCH TIME and in a way, felt that we may have waited too long.. I told him how much I wanted to have him at church with me (after a few failed attempts at taking the kids solo, and after he was willing to come with me a few weeks before- but we pulled into the parking lot and learned it was Stake Conference-and it was almost over..) Anyways, we had been invited to his sister's house in Roosevelt, where the husbands would be going to Priesthood Session together at 6:00. I didn't even RSVP, because I assumed Stewart would certainly not want to go, and I wanted to stay with him... After our conversation, Stewart decided he wanted to go! The only problem was, he hasn't owned church clothes since high school, and I completely understand the desire to "fit in" and not stand out as the only man in a pair of dark jeans and a polo shirt :) so I said I would be more than willing to help him pick out a suit! Forget the cost, this was way bigger than that... this was the closest I had EVER seen him come to actually WANTING to go back to church!! We drove to Bealls, and spent the next 40 minutes trying on suit coat after suit coat, tie after tie, slacks after slacks, until he found the perfect combination.. $170 later (SALE price no less) we left the store.... unfortunately, not in enough time to make it to the meeting in Roosevelt.... We thought about going anyways, and just showing up late... but he didn't want to go in late and walk in during a prayer or something.. (I totally get it..) so he was going to find someone to go with in town... but none of the people we called ended up going.. of course :) So needless to say, he didn't make it... BUT it was a great start. So today, after attending a Charity auction for his friend in Rangely, we listened to part of conference on the way home.. and again were filled with the desire to talk about our personal thoughts.. We talked about how easy it is to forget everything after years of 'being lazy' or holding back... We talked about how devoted we are to each other and that we have both thought about going through the temple some day... (which is something I haven't let myself fully hope for... I didn't want to get my hopes up..) I'm honestly not sure how it will work with his other kids... (one is adopted, and the other is his... but their mom doesn't want them getting baptized and obviously wouldn't let them be sealed to me... I totally get that one too... she is their mom and I wouldn't try to take them from her) It is hard to think of an eternal family without knowing how the "kinks" will get worked out, but I know in my heart that it will all be figured out.. I am just SO GRATEFUL that it is now an option... something to hope for! I tear up just thinking about it :) Anyways... we decided that Stewart would benefit from a blessing. His dad was working, so I called my visiting teacher and asked if her husband could bring someone over and do it.. 30 minutes or so later, they were here. His blessing was great, and I could really feel the spirit-and the love Heavenly Father feels for my wonderful husband.. I think hearing it said that He is mindful of Stewart, and is pleased with his desires to be a good dad and husband, was really powerful for both me AND Stewart.. He has felt that because he pushed away so hard, that He maybe didn't remember his as well... which I think is something Satan makes us believe. Stewart and I had a wonderful prayer, on our knees and everything... and I really think that things are going in the right direction for us... we would be fools not to listen now. I am a little scared for the journey ahead of us, but I can't picture a person better suited for me. And, while sometimes we act like we can't stand eachother, I also feel like being with him Forever- still isn't long enough :)